Every Saturday I make a bee line in my newspaper for a recurring feature where they ask the great and the good (or “celebrities” as we call them in the 21st Century) a fixed set of generic but probing questions. The answers are always gently illuminating. In moments of rampant egotism, I fantasise about how I might answer them. Even though the chances of achieving the level of fame that would qualify me for such an honour are deeply slim. Therefore, I thought I would answer the questions here and hope that they amuse and interest in equal measure.
What is your greatest fear?
Creeping mental decline.
What is the trait you deplore most in yourself?
Snobbishness.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Wilful ignorance.
When were you happiest?
Whenever I’m performing. It doesn’t necessarily need to be for a large audience. Making up something silly for my son is just as joyous.
Which living person do you most admire and why?
Schmalzy, but my wife has taken everything that life can throw at her, including me, and remained interested and interesting.
Aside from property, what is the most expensive thing you’ve bought?
I spent a night with my family at Le Manoir Aux Quat Saisons for my last birthday recently, which was a combination of eye-wateringly expensive and extraordinary value for money.
What is your most treasured possession?
My parents bought me a piano for my 21st birthday.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
A few childhood stupidities make me cringe, but as an adult I have banished embarrassment from my repertoire.
What is your most unappealing habit?
I fight with myself to be more generous than I instinctively am.
Describe yourself in three words?
Eccentric passionate gentleman
What would your superpower be?
It would be fun to actually read minds.
If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
Connecting with people that doesn’t involve an app.
Who would you invite to a dinner party?
Oscar Wilde and Stephen Fry, because the universe calls out for them to be in a room together at some point.
What makes you unhappy?
Untidiness
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I was hospitalised for being ugly as a teenager (medically dangerous acne) so I am absolutely delighted with the way I look these days.
Who would play you in the film of your life?
My story is not dramatically interesting enough to engage a top actor, so I’d prefer a Nick Park stop motion animation please. (Can we hire Peter Serafinowicz for the voice?)
What scares you about getting older?
Every age has its pros and cons, so I don’t find increasing age scary.
Who is your celebrity crush?
Sally Philips.
What did you want to do when you were growing up?
I wanted to be the man on the airport tarmac directing planes with table tennis bats.
Which book are you ashamed not to have read?
After early years of not reading enough, I’m slowly catching up now thanks to audiobooks and long walks. I don’t think I’ll ever be brave enough to face Proust though.
What is the worst thing anyone’s said to you?
“Oh grow up!”
Would you choose fame or anonymity?
Either of those two extremes are awful. If pressed, even with the toxicity that celebrities endure these days, I am ashamed to say that my ego would plump for fame.
What was the last lie you told?
I am a professional magician. You work it out!
To whom would you like to say sorry and why?
I’ve had a few piano teachers that must have had to engage in primal scream therapy after I left some lessons.
What is your guiltiest pleasure?
No legal pleasure is guilty. But for someone who knows nothing about pop music, Eurovision is glorious.
What do you owe your parents?
1/ A huge passion to grab every opportunity that presents itself, 2/ the ability to find the best bargain in any given shop.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My son, and I only met him 13 years ago.
What does love feel like?
Like the warmth from an open fire in a log cabin on the side of a picturesque mountain after a long walk.
Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it?
Only to those people who knew that I didn’t mean it.
What did you dream about last night?
I have barely remembered a dream since I turned 20.
What has been your biggest disappointment?
That I haven’t been cast as a Bond villain, yet.
When did you last cry and why?
I showed my son Dead Poets Society recently.
What would you like to leave to your children?
A hunger to create a life of wonder and not to just passively consume things that other people have made
What is the closest you’ve come to death?
As a 17 year old, I took my first car around a bend too fast on a country road, and ended up, miraculously unscathed in a ditch. Months later, someone else on the same bend was not so lucky.
Which words of phrases do you most overuse?
“Bits and bobs”
What’s the worst job you’ve done?
I washed dishes in the kitchen of a truckers cafe for less than a week in my early twenties. The amount of oozing brown grease can still be easily vividly recalled.
What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
The ability to play any musical instrument to grade 8 standard.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
After years of being pleasantly contented with working for other people, I am fiercely proud of everything that’s gone into the creation of The Bowler Hatted Magician.
What keeps you awake at night?
Nothing. I can sleep almost instantly at any given opportunity. I get a daily siesta too.
When’s the last time you changed your mind about something significant?
Whenever evidence asserts itself. I work hard on trying to make empirical decisions, rather than leaving things to what “feels best”.
What has been your closest brush with the law?
Boringly nothing. I once swept the steps of Nottingham police station, does that count?
How would you like to be remembered?
Beyond being recommended for a job, I have no yearning to be remembered after I shuffle off this mortal coil.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Today is it. Grab it and run.
What happens when we die?
I can only steal the best answer, courtesy of Keanu Reeves. “Loved ones will miss us”.
Tell us a joke?
When two vegans have a long standing feud, do you still call it a beef?