I have been lucky enough to perform at hundreds of celebrations. In some ways I see myself as an old fashioned strolling player. Kings and palaces one day, market squares the next. I visit grand country piles, 5 star hotels, Michelin starred restaurants. But I am equally at home in more modest surroundings; provincial church halls, people’s front rooms and community picnics.
In all of these scenarios I occupy a curious position. I am not quite a guest, but am very rarely treated as staff. I can stand confident both in the bustling kitchen as well as centre stage when required. And everyone from the waiting staff to the managing director can be engaged with what I am able to do with that deck of cards and an errant kiwi fruit.
This omniscience gives me a unique perspective on the art of entertaining.
The evenings I recall with most fondness are not immediately tied to the opulence of the surroundings. Conversations with guests are rarely centred around the minutiae of the event. Whether the napkins were the right tone of mauve, or whether the canapés arrived on time are never discussed.
Party hosting, like a good magic trick, will be remembered for how it makes people feel.
And the greatest evenings I have attended have all been shaped by a party host who has displayed several guiding principles, irrespective of budget.
1. They think about people before presentation
It is easy to begin your planning with good intentions, but in the flurry of so many moving parts, your core ideals can become corrupted between conception and execution.
Evenings where every visual element is perfect; the flowers, the table settings, the menus etc, can sometimes mask the uncomfortable truth that people are not enjoying themselves.
Fripperies are important in entertaining. Where would the balloon industry be without it!?
But an exceptional hosts primary concern is always on the guests experience.
Does everyone have the right information? Has everyone been made to feel welcome? Are people being introduced and flattered? Are those guests with extra needs being catered for without pandering?
Hospitality, at its heart, is an act of generosity.
Guests are rarely impressed by what something cost. They are always bowled over by the thought that went into it.
People always remember being valued.
2. They create opportunities for connection
Many celebrations involve disparate groups of people who have never met. And we have all been in a room holding a glass of wine wondering who all these people are.
The bride’s cousins have never met the groom’s workmates. The marketing department work on an entirely different site to procurement. Your best friend has flown in from Canada to celebrate your landmark birthday, but knows no-one else.
The most creative of hosts don’t force these separate entities into interacting. The idea of shared “compulsory fun” moments can make some guests panic in the way that asking them to start an impromptu public speech might.
Instead I have always seen the best of conditions where connections can occur with as little friction as possible.
Thoughtful seating plans, a knowledge of strangers shared passions and natural conversation starters are all signs of a considerate host.
I imagine the moment where you met your new best friend will be crystal clear in your memory.
There is something magical about that spark of connection. A good host does everything to foster those moments.
Guests may arrive nervous of whom they might have to spend an evening with, but you have achieved alchemy if they leave feeling as thought they shared their night with friends.
3. They resist the urge to overfill the schedule
Many authoritative studies have been produced saying that our attention spans are getting shor… Ooh look. A heron!
Apologies.
This need to ape the algorithmic approach to life can lead to creating a complete jumble of wonderous, but unfulfilling distractions.
Drinks at six. Dinner at seven. Speeches at eight. ‘Don’t start talking to each other now. It’s time for the unicyclists!’
There is comfort in structure. But sometimes in an evening of jollity, a little space can make the difference.
My family is very good at structure and great things have come from it. However, our Christmas lunches are always on the table at 2pm and the washing up is done by 3:30pm.
I was quite shocked to be invited to my parents’ in law’s house at Christmas to find that turkey might be on the table at midday and dessert could arrive at anytime before bedtime, but who knows?! Christmas fun doesn’t demand regimen.
Elegant evenings have time to breathe.
Conversations need to mature. An anecdote needs to reach its natural conclusion. A suggestion to take a walk in the grounds shouldn’t be quashed. These are all vignettes that are snubbed out if the structure says that the next item on the agenda must start NOW.
Many of the moments that people treasure are entirely unscripted. Embrace the idea that mistakes and hiccups are always memorable. See below.
A party is not a military operation.
It is an experience.
And experiences unfold most naturally when they are free to evolve.
4. They pay attention to atmosphere
Atmosphere is difficult to define, but get it wrong, and it is instantly recognisable.
Imagine you enter a party that is perfectly colour coordinated, the table settings are stunning, the staff are in costume, the sound system state of the art. However, everyone is standing with the partner that they arrived with, either looking at their shoes or checking their watch, making muted conversation.
Excellent party hosts will not let the atmosphere of an event be posted on the walls.
Ambience can be conjured in the smallest of details.
The ratio of space to guests. (Don’t put 50 guests in a cavernous ballroom.) The warmth of the lighting. The volume of music competing with the volume of conversation.
Pitching some of these elements correctly can take an instinct rather than hard headed rules, but the finest celebrations calibrate them perfectly.
There is a little cheat code to guide you in this regard; Keep things simple and personal. Touches that remind guests whose story they are stepping into.
Anyone who tries to create the atmosphere of the evening in one broad sweeping gesture is asking for trouble.
A dozen tiny decisions are far more conducive to avoiding a slowly deflating soufflé of an evening.
Guests do not consciously notice half of a hosts delicate interventions.
But they will shape the emotion of the evening.
And people will leave knowing that they were at a party of note.
5. They include an element of surprise
Brides and grooms often ask me for advice before their big day. They have spent so much effort into planning the perfect celebration to start their new union, but they are rarely seasoned party throwers.
They have mostly put in place all the things that are expected of them. Flowers, dresses, food, speeches, playlists. But their uncertainty hovers.
My advice is always.
Embrace the things that go wrong.
People expect the beautiful ceremony, the perfect white dress, the funny best man. But the thing that you will remember in 20 years time is the moment that the bridesmaid fell in the lake, that the waiter dropped a tray full of champagne, or when the car turned up to the wrong church.
I know this phenomenon as a magician, because the moments when I make reality “go wrong” can stick in people’s heads for decades.
Manufacturing surprise is a delicate balance. I wouldn’t suggest you push a bridesmaid in a lake.
But good hosts find the thing that is expected of them, and then devise moments that tilt the evening away from those expectations.
For example, I saw a beautiful idea recently where the bride had bought her guests specially bound editions of their favourite book.
Create a moment of wonder. It captures attention. It interrupts distraction. It is always a catalyst for conversation.
And years later it will be that moment that remains when all else has faded away.
After spending many hours quietly moving through celebrations. I have become convinced that successful hosting has very little to do with perfection.
Guests remember warmth, connection and laughter.
They feel it in their bones when they are included, understood and shown something beyond their expectation.
The finest hosts understand that entertaining is not about impressing people.
It is about caring for them.
If you achieve that, guests don’t simply attend, they become story tellers to everyone they meet about what they experienced.
And above all, good hosting is looking to create a small moment of immortality.